Waking

Waking -
by Josie McCall

Here,
In the deep darkness of dreams,
I sleep,
Safe in the warm womb of your love,
Feeling your hand lying against my skin,
Your breath tickles my neck.


Waking,
Calling your name -
Forgetful for a moment –
Believing losing you is the dream.
Realisation dawns with the early light,
Blackness falls for another day.


Aching,
The emptiness inside me is screaming.
Tears,
Hot and hard, slide burning trails.
Anger bursts unchecked
Upon my rational mind,
Until the warmth and love of dreams
Makes bearable another night.

Breakfast

Breakfast -
by Josie McCall

He shatters the silence with profanity
Dropping the knife between his feet
Pressing his thumb against the spurting cut
Across his palm,
And he remembers.


Black cars,
Black suits,
Umbrellas.
Black crows huddling,
Bare branches.


Throat hoarse,
Muttered thanks,
Pressed palms,
Blurred, nameless faces,
The wide, black maw
Swallowed her.


How could he stand here,
And not scream?
The black, soft peat,
The damp earth smell,
Her favourite roses,
Tainted with loss.

Watching the Clock

Watching the Clock -
by Josie McCall

I used to think,
Being lonely was how I felt,
Between when I looked at the clock,
And when you were due home from work.


I was fooling myself.
Being lonely,
Is knowing
You will never walk through the door again.



Pain, like a blow to the chest,
Knocks the wind out of me.
I’m unable to put into words
The hurricane blowing through me,
The icy wind of loss,
The white-hot anger at being abandoned.

Alone

Alone -
by Josie McCall

Alone -
His sense of isolation.
He doesn’t want to talk,
To be sociable,
Yet he wants to be held,
Consoled.

Letter

Letter -
by Josie McCall

‘My little black number’, you called it, laughing.
We bought that dress together,
One whirlwind afternoon in London,
Breaking the limit on the credit cards.
I stroke the deep, shiny velvet,
And picture you shrugging it on,
And smoothing it down with your hands,
Turning on tiptoe before the bedroom mirror.
I place it in the cardboard box.
It lies next to the torn, baggy t-shirt
You liked to wear for painting.


At this rate it will take another year
To sort and clear
All the personal things,
The reminders.
Your perfume still lingers,
Where your silks and laces,
Slip through my fingers.
I hold your softest clothes to my face,
Breathing in your aura,
Feeling deep physical pain,
Before packing them away.


I found your letter the other day.
I hadn’t known it was there,
Hidden under your bras.
You tucking your keys there,
When you didn’t have a pocket
Brought a brief smile.
I read it quickly the first time,
Your words of love and encouragement,
Familiar and comforting.
I read them when I’m hurting.

Forest

Forest -
by Josie McCall

In the stillness
The bustle of the world we knew
Is alien and distant.
Brown brittle bark breaks
Ice cracks underfoot,
Startling skyward watchful sparrows.


Your hand in mine,
Made me warm deep inside,
Even on the coldest day.
Here, now, beneath the pines
The sun holds no warmth,
Where we lay crushing the fragrant brown needles.
Watching the stars,
We gave them names they didn't know.


I lie here,
Remembering the good things with tears,
Without that stark, unbearable pain.
In this forest world,
Filled with memories of you.
Strength is hard to find.
Can I leave you here,
And go on, alone?

Skyspace

Skyspace -
by Josie McCall

Within this brick igloo,
Beneath a solid grey sphere of sky,
I sit and hear the wind keening,
While the rain washes the pebble circle.
Things I took for granted I would always know,
The exact colour of her eyes,
Or how she used to wear her hair,
I cannot recall clearly anymore.
I’m growing cold,
With the frost of forgetting.
Is this the last betrayal?
The absence of a sense of loss?
Spring bursts with life.
I need to move on.
I can’t move on.

Regeneration

Regeneration -
by Josie McCall

Bright blue flash, quick as a smile,
The fisher king above the sparkling spate,
Holds him captive for an instant
Before it vanishes among the leaves.

The world moving on
Bears him along, powerless.
Winter’s memory fades with the sunlight
Dappling the ground beneath the trees.
No betrayal.
Assimilation.
She lives on beneath the canopy
Of spreading boughs,
Within the flowing beck,
Beside the moss and violas.
Resurrected in the honeysuckle.